Black and White

There is nothing like a scoulding hot shower to rinse away the black that builds up during the day. I don't mean dirt, either, although it does well for actually cleaning too. The black I'm talking about is deeper than dirt, just under the surface. It's the stress, the negativity, the cynism, the impatience, the selfishness, that develops during the course of a day or a few days. A hot shower is a moment to stand still, watch the black go down the drain, and say good-bye, even if not for long. It is a place where you can be wrapped in your thoughts, the aromas of good soap, and breath in the white. The white are the exact opposite. The white is patience, love, understanding, unselfishness, optimism.

I tend to worry about things, little things, big things. It's a part of who am I. And as I mother, I worry about things that I hope never in my lifetime or things that never touch our family. Tragic, horrific events. I put myself in a scenario of widower. I imagine myself the mother of a murdered son, or a kidnap victim. It's depressing, I know. But, millions of people have been in these very shoes. I imagine myself under circumstances like these, maybe living through it, with a dead heart and a shell of a body with no blood or emotion or anything flowing through me, yet they say I'm alive. I think about the mother in Haiti who has lost her son.

I know that as long as I live, there is no greater feeling of love, than what I feel for Cole. It is greater than me. It engulfs me. I love him more than words can ever describe, to the core of my being, to the center of my soul. I can't imagine not loving him, not seeing him every day. I cannot imagine my life without him. I want to wake him right now, but he sound asleep.

I love you baby.
I love you Mr. W.

Sweet dreams.